Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Eternal Perspective

I believe a person has two parts, the physical body and the spirit that lives in it. I think most people believe this as I always hear people say things about a person's soul. I also believe that a spirit or soul is an eternal entity, that it exists before life on this earth and that it will continue to exist afterwards. Brad shares this belief.

I also believe that when I pray to God, He hears and answers my prayers in a very real way. I've worked on communicating with God my whole life. I pray very diligently and I listen very carefully for His response to my prayers. Brad also shares this belief.

Beliefs are wonderful things, they bring deeper meaning to life. These past few weeks, these particular beliefs have brought a lot of meaning into our lives.

Brad and I have fervently prayed since October of 08 about when to add another child to our family. In January we started asking if the time was right. In April we got a green flag and both felt very strongly that God was sending us someone very special. In May I conceived.

While I was in Arizona, I miscarried. I feel like it was a huge blessing to be around so much family and friends, people to love me and spend time with me and to play with Kaci. I was hardly myself for the visit. The pain, emotional and physical, felt paralyzing. I tried to smile and talk, but I just wasn't myself. I'm sorry everyone, but thanks for sticking with me despite my negative, sad attitude.

Coming back to VA and facing Brad and making it all official with a negative test and trip to the doctor proved to be harder than I imagined. I think I held onto hope that I was wrong too long. Brad took it all in much better, but it was really hard for him. He was really excited and had been so patient waiting for God to answer our prayers. He feels a tremendous amount of loss, but has found some comfort in prayer and scripture study.

I have not. I find it very difficult to process all of this. I also have a bit more healing to do according to the doctor today, and my emotions are no where near as stable with all the ups and downs with the hormones. Talking about it so much with the doctor was harder than I expected it to be. I felt a little silly to be so sad about such a short pregnancy when I know girls who have been though much harder miscarriages. I felt silly for having teary eyes as the doctor talked about it being what's best in the long run because something was wrong. I feel so many emotions that crying is baffling because I can't identify what exactly I'm crying about. The good thing about the doctor visit is that I feel like I got closure today and as my body heals I hope my emotions will too.

Surely, it's all going to be fine, God takes care of us all, even the very littlest ones. I just thought I should share our experience so that when we are not pregnant for a while, we don't get those comments about spacing kids, needing another cousin and putting another one in the oven and what not. It'll be a while now, with having to wait and then not knowing where we'll be a year from now because of Brad's schooling.

I do this blog because I am so far from all of you, my family and friends. I could never call everyone and tell everyone individually, that would be way too hard for me. Neither of us can really talk about it with out getting emotional. So we'd rather not make this a subject of conversation in future conversations like Sunday phone calls and such, thanks for understanding and being there for us. Thanks for reading our blog and being apart of our lives virtually. It means a lot to us. If you feel this is impersonal, please know that I make my blog as personal as possible to keep you all as close to us as possible.


Cierra said...

dear kerri,

i know 'sorry' never makes anyone feel better or fixes the sadness, but i am truly, deeply sorry for you and brad in this loss. i can't imagine what you are feeling or what you are going through, but i do know our Savior does. sometimes accepting a plan different than our own is the hardest thing to do. i will most definitely be keeping you in my prayers. know that i am thinking of you and love you.


stef j. said...

sorry kerri. i understand your feelings ... we miscarried our first at 8 and 1/2 weeks. it's so difficult to muster up the courage and strength to keep pushing through it ... to try to smile and keep living some semblance of a pleasant life. i've always thought of you as a strong person - a strong woman. and i know that eventually that strength will shine through and you'll be alright, but until then, know you're not alone and people are thinking of you. i'll be thinking of you.

Meg said...

Oh Kerri, I am so sorry! Miscarriages are so hard to go through. I think that it's a hard thing to understand unless you have been though it yourself. I miscarried when I was out in Hawaii, and that was a hard time. Don't feel bad about being sad, it's a hard hard thing to lose a pregnancy and I don't think that it matters at what stage you lose it. It completely changes what you thought your future would be! What you thought your family dynamics would be. Take time to grieve... don't feel bad about needing time.

I'm sorry if this sounds so unpersonal being as a blog comment, but we will be thinking of you and Brad. It's hard to understand why you would feel strongly about something like having another child for it to turn out this way. I felt very strongly that I needed to get pregnant with Clayton, and God had a completely different plan for us. Someday we will know all of the answers, I don't know why as mothers we have to be put through this type of a heart wrenching test.

Thanks for your friendship Kerri. I hope that you will feel the peace that you need to feel and that people will not bug you about having more kids, that's never fun! I'll be praying for you.


Jennifer said...

I don't have any great words of wisdom or comfort to add. Just wanted to show some support and send some l.o.v.e.

Dadra said...

Kerri & Brad,

You both will be in our thoughts and prayers during this difficult time. We have been through this as well and our best advice is to really take the time to grieve. I think some people think you should just snap out of it and be strong, but there is nothing wrong with mourning the loss of this little baby. We had so many people tell us "Don't worry you can try again," or "It wasn't meant to be" or something similar. Yeah, those things might be true, but that's not what you need to hear right now. Rest, take care of yourself, be sad and give yourself the time to heal both physically and emotionally.

Of course it's wonderful to keep an eternal perspective on things (like the title of your blog states), but that doesn't mean it isn't okay to feel sad and not understand why this happened. I think of our Heavenly Father when He lost his only begotten Son, Jesus Christ on the cross. Surely of anyone, Heavenly Father knew the importance of that act and knew that He would be with his Son again, but even He, the greatest of us all, mourned the loss of His Son along with the entire earth that He had created.

We will definitely respect your wishes to not bring it up when we see you again. I understand that it is still very raw and painful. But if you ever want to talk things through with someone else who has been there, we're only an email, phone call or even short drive away!!

Take care of yourselves. Your family will be in our thoughts and prayers!!

Dadra & Jason

zealandrocks said...

here is my sister hug to you all XOXOXOX!!!

on the lighter side of things... i'm glad my future niece and nephew wont hate me for missing their birth!!!

Amanda said...

Kerri. I think it is very brave that you did post this to the blog. I am so private that I would/did have a hard time telling anyone about my miscarriage. I lost my first baby and didn't want to talk about it to anyone. I felt feelings of embarrassment as well as grief.

I knew you just weren't yourself when I saw you. Thanks for taking the time to come see me and my family. I love you.

You and Brad and Kaci will be in my prayers. I hope that through your belief in the gospel and the healing power of the Spirit, you can strengthen your testimony and eternal perspective. All my love,

Misty said...

Oh Kerri I am so sorry to hear about this, I had no idea you were going through such heartache when I saw you recently. I can't imagine how you and Brad are feeling, but know that we are thinking of you. I dont think you should feel bad or uncomfortable about being sad at all! It is a hard thing to go through for both of you and you are grieving the loss of something you both wanted badly. God definitely has a plan for you and your beautiful family. We love you

Kim and the Fam said...

Ker, I'm sorry to hear about this. I can only imagine how hard it was to go through in AZ when you were supposed to be having fun and without Brad by your side. I know its not easy and I totally understand why you don't want to talk about it to all of us seperately. We love you guys and have you in our prayers. love ya tons lil sis.

Ali said...

i never told you this but honestly since we were miamaids, i always envied you for how brave you are. so brave for this kind of post, something i really needed to read for some reason, that reason i am not sure, but i thank you. for your beliefs. for your honesty. for your wisdom. and for your courage.


Sam and Elizabeth Akinaka said...

Kerri, I'm sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you and Brad. Love Elizabeth.

newsinaminute said...

this was such a tender thing you shared. We are sorry to hear of the heartache and will continue as always to pray for all three of you
want you to feel of our love----

ellenglunt said...

Thanks for sharing your feelings. My heart strings are stretched from your joy and sorrow. No matter how short, pregnancy has created a child, you will always love and miss.
Please know you are loved by others as well.
Aunt Ellen