Eternal Perspective

I believe a person has two parts, the physical body and the spirit that lives in it. I think most people believe this as I always hear people say things about a person's soul. I also believe that a spirit or soul is an eternal entity, that it exists before life on this earth and that it will continue to exist afterwards. Brad shares this belief.

I also believe that when I pray to God, He hears and answers my prayers in a very real way. I've worked on communicating with God my whole life. I pray very diligently and I listen very carefully for His response to my prayers. Brad also shares this belief.

Beliefs are wonderful things, they bring deeper meaning to life. These past few weeks, these particular beliefs have brought a lot of meaning into our lives.

Brad and I have fervently prayed since October of 08 about when to add another child to our family. In January we started asking if the time was right. In April we got a green flag and both felt very strongly that God was sending us someone very special. In May I conceived.

While I was in Arizona, I miscarried. I feel like it was a huge blessing to be around so much family and friends, people to love me and spend time with me and to play with Kaci. I was hardly myself for the visit. The pain, emotional and physical, felt paralyzing. I tried to smile and talk, but I just wasn't myself. I'm sorry everyone, but thanks for sticking with me despite my negative, sad attitude.

Coming back to VA and facing Brad and making it all official with a negative test and trip to the doctor proved to be harder than I imagined. I think I held onto hope that I was wrong too long. Brad took it all in much better, but it was really hard for him. He was really excited and had been so patient waiting for God to answer our prayers. He feels a tremendous amount of loss, but has found some comfort in prayer and scripture study.

I have not. I find it very difficult to process all of this. I also have a bit more healing to do according to the doctor today, and my emotions are no where near as stable with all the ups and downs with the hormones. Talking about it so much with the doctor was harder than I expected it to be. I felt a little silly to be so sad about such a short pregnancy when I know girls who have been though much harder miscarriages. I felt silly for having teary eyes as the doctor talked about it being what's best in the long run because something was wrong. I feel so many emotions that crying is baffling because I can't identify what exactly I'm crying about. The good thing about the doctor visit is that I feel like I got closure today and as my body heals I hope my emotions will too.

Surely, it's all going to be fine, God takes care of us all, even the very littlest ones. I just thought I should share our experience so that when we are not pregnant for a while, we don't get those comments about spacing kids, needing another cousin and putting another one in the oven and what not. It'll be a while now, with having to wait and then not knowing where we'll be a year from now because of Brad's schooling.

I do this blog because I am so far from all of you, my family and friends. I could never call everyone and tell everyone individually, that would be way too hard for me. Neither of us can really talk about it with out getting emotional. So we'd rather not make this a subject of conversation in future conversations like Sunday phone calls and such, thanks for understanding and being there for us. Thanks for reading our blog and being apart of our lives virtually. It means a lot to us. If you feel this is impersonal, please know that I make my blog as personal as possible to keep you all as close to us as possible.